Confessions...

Disappointment

risarose — Sat, 23 Oct 2010 04:47:47 +0000

I’ve discovered that the worst feeling to endure is disappointment.

Anger can be dispelled by a hardy yell-fest. Fear is healed with people you love and prayer. Sadness can be solved with a good cry. But disappointment can stain your heart like red wine on white clothing. What’s worse is it can manifest itself in different emotions, for example sadness and rage, making it so you don’t recognize the disappointment until you’ve toured the other emotions (and you may not even recognize it at all).

All I know is that right now I’m experiencing the type of disappointment that feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. I feel like I’m spiraling, everything is being turned upside down, and the only thing I can do about it is cry. And so that’s all I do… cry… I cry because I’m confused… I cry because I’m hurt… I cry because I’m angry… but most of all I cry because the source of the disappointment is myself…

Merry-Go-Round

risarose — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 05:47:43 +0000

The other day, I was at a park where there was a large Merry-Go-Round. As I stood there and watched the gorgeous horses go by, I started to think about how this mimicked my life. From the outside, it looks like the horses are going places; they are always moving. But get on the ride, and you realize that the horses are only moving up and down, and going in circles.

How do you overcome the feeling that you’re not going anywhere? I feel like my days go up and down, up and down; I don’t really have control over them. On top of that, my surroundings are spiraling around me, and the whole thing makes me dizzy.

I’m not the type of person who can just stay in one spot and be happy. I need to break out of this rut. I need change. Now.

silence

risarose — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 04:48:29 +0000

Silence… people seem to have a love/hate relationship with this. Some people fear it, most people need it, and there are those who even adore it. As for me, I’m one of those people who need it, but not a lot of it.

When I lived in SLO, I lived alone, which meant that whenever I needed silence/solitude, I just went home to my sanctuary where it was quiet and peaceful. There I was able to think, rest, and spend time with the Lord. In that silence I was able to let all of the things that bothered me melt away, so the next day was a new day. Now that I live at home, it’s a little harder to do that. I no longer live alone, but with 4 other people. On top of that I have schedules I need to worry about, siblings to take to school, job hunting to do, things to sort out, and never a quiet moment.

Oh how I miss the days when I could calm down after a long day! Now at the end of the day, instead of calming down, I have more that needs to get done. I miss silence, and now when it is absent from my life, I realize how important it is to me and my spiritual health. The world around me continually spirals, and I feel like I can’t get control. I feel dry. I feel like I can’t get closer to God. I feel like I can’t be silent… and I need to be.

Interaction: part I

risarose — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 21:32:39 +0000

So for the next few weeks I am going to be speaking for the college group at my church. The topic? Church interaction according to Paul’s letter to the Ephesians (more specifically Eph. 4-5).

For a while the way that Christians have been treating each other has been distressing me to the point of making me physically ill. I’ve seen brothers and sisters treating each other with contempt, disgust, anger, ignorance and malice. I have seen a general selfishness that pollutes the relationships that we are supposed to be building with each other and turning it into a desire to avoid other Christians. What’s worse is people are watching us, and wondering what the difference between us and them is. My heart hurts when I think that this is the image of Christ that we portray to these people.

In my talk I address 5 ways to start acting like a body:

1. Don’t talk bad about your brothers and sisters.

2. Invest in people.

3. Pray for them.

4. Come along side a struggling member.

5. Don’t play favorites.

As I write this I am immediately convicted about how easy it is to say these things, but how hard it is to live out. If only we were able to say, “I will never play favorites again” and immediately stop showing differential treatment. How different our world would be!!

I can only pray that a little bit of what I have to say gets through, and that change will occur, even if we start with baby steps.

Valentine’s Day

risarose — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 03:39:35 +0000

Tomorrow is one of the most dreaded days of the year: Valentine’s Day. Isn’t that sad?!? It’s not Valentine’s Day’s fault that people feel destroyed by it. I mean after all it’s just another day… but unfortunately, we have reduced it to a day for couples and the idea that people without a significant other should feel incomplete. (News flash: We get that from society enough without a national holiday to remind us that we’re single… THANKS!!) Back to my point… Valentine’s Day is just another Day that the Lord has blessed us with on this earth… and instead of making it a day that tears us down, we, as single people, should be making it an opportunity to reach out to people who feel alone.

Surprisingly enough, Valentine’s Day is one of my favorite holidays! (I know that comment seems contradictory to my previous comment, but stick with me) When I was little we would have parties where we would bring valentines for everyone in the class as a way to say “You have a room full of valentines this year, you aren’t alone or forgotten.” As I grew older and valentine parties were no longer part of my class schedule, I continued that tradition because I enjoyed the message that giving little cards sent. Now how much better off would we be if we all had that mentality? What if instead of moping about because we’re lonely, we try to cheer others up by being together in our singleness?

My challenge for the Valentine’s Day is for everyone to get past the relationship status of this holiday and so see it as an opportunity to spread love to a lonely world! Let’s see what a little lovin’ can accomplish…

Hello 2010

risarose — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 01:09:35 +0000

Well it’s been three weeks since I graduated and already I’m experiencing extreme changes in my life.

First of all I haven’t really called anyone to hang out like I usually do when I’m in the Bay. This may be due to the fact that I know I am here permanently this time as opposed to the limited time breaks provide… so this isn’t a big deal as long as eventually I have the desire to be around people again.

Secondly, I sleep a LOT!! I have been going to bed at 8 pm and waking us at either 6 or 7 in the morning. This can not continue. I have no idea why I’m so lethargic, but I don’t like it and it needs to stop. I went to see Avatar last night at 9, and barely stayed awake through it.

Third, and this is the one that REALLY concerns me, I have had NO desire to be in the word lately. For whatever reason, I just can’t seem to find the desire to spend quality time with the Lord. I know I have a history of not having quiet times while at home because this house is never quiet, and no one ever really spends time with their Bible in this house, but I had decided that when I moved home i was going to change that and start a revival in this household. Yeah…

It’s so hard to feel close to the Lord lately… I’ve been feeling smothered by my family members, and job hunting, trying not to become embittered by all that is around me, and worst of all, trying not to miss SLO.

How you can be praying for me:

Continuing to adjust to living with people, and with that patience and understanding with my siblings.
The weight of depression to be lifted from my shoulders. (As most of you know, I struggle with seasonal depression, and the cloudy weather and lack of desire to get outside has really started to get to me.)
Pray that I am still able to come to SLO on my birthday and that the situations the Lord has put me in will not hinder that.

I thank you for your prayers!! My prayer for all of you is that you may grow in love as long as you have breath and you increase in understanding and discernment so that you may make wise choices. Above all, I pray that you bring glory to the Lord Jesus in all that you do. BLESSINGS!!!

Graduation

risarose — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 06:31:32 +0000

Ok… so it’s official… I’m a college graduate!!!!!!

To be honest, I have no idea how I feel about it though… it kinda hasn’t hit me that I’m moving out of SLO and starting a new chapter of my life yet… instead it just feels like I’m home for Christmas break, and sometimes I half believe that I’ll be right back in SLO next quarter for the next round of classes. Of course reality sets in and I realize that I’m not coming back, I’m not taking any more classes at Cal Poly, and that I won’t be able to see my SLO friends when ever i want anymore.

I’m very thankful that it hasn’t hit me yet though because I can’t really deal with my emotions yet. I don’t have the time, and I don’t have the solitude. But once it hits, it will be a torrent of emotions emitted from my heart that will overwhelm me for an undetermined amount of time. It’s going to hit how much I will miss all of my family in SLO and how much my life is going to change, and I will have no one to just hold me and let me cry through it. (My mom will want me to tell her why I’m crying, and others may be too preoccupied to notice my emotional flood gates bursting open.)

How you can be praying for me:

adjusting to my living arrangements. I lived by myself for 18 months, and now I’m living with my family, which is 4 other people. I have to learn to synchronize schedules, get up early, and not have privacy or quiet
direction from the Lord. I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. (Actually that’s not entirely true, I have some idea of what I want to do, but it SCARES the heck out of me) So I really need a strong sense of direction from the Lord just so I know what to do.
a support system. I have been away from the Bay for so long that it has been hard for me to really keep my friends integrated into my life, and consequently, it is hard for them to really know what I struggle with, and how to keep me accountable. (Granted this will change in time, but I have to be willing to be open with my sisters.) And the support system I had was in SLO with my brothers and sisters in Crusade and Epic. So prayer that I can develop deep and meaningful relationships with my sisters and have a great support system.

I’m graduating

risarose — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 17:18:43 +0000

So it actually started to hit me last night that I;m graduating. Which I think is funny considering I started my goodbye process on Wednesday, but the beak down didn’t happen until last night. So, yeah, I’m graduating…

I don’t know how I feel about it. I am scared beyond all belief, but calm at the same time. I’m filled with sorrow, but overjoyed. But mostly I am filled with longing… longing to be here longer, to touch more peoples’ lives, to be here for my girls longer, to not leave my friends…

But the thing that I’m feeling most is fear. I’m afraid that when I go home, I will fall back into the person I was when I left home, and I can’t let that happen. I have grown too much, I have experienced God in a different and real way. When I am in SLO, I have the ability to willingly give every day to the Lord, but it’s harder to do that back at home because duty feels more important than spiritual growth. And it never fails how much the spiritual stifling I witness by the church affects me most when I am at home. I can’t let that happen to me again. I desire the Lord too much to allow THE CHURCH to hinder the growth of my relationship with Him.

What I need prayer for is that I will learn how to really be myself in a crowd of people that think they know me. Also that I become a light to the community so that they can come to know the Lord on a deeper level than they already do.

damsel in distress

risarose — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 07:32:47 +0000

When I was little, I was scared of the dark. I remember praying that all of the scary stuff would go away and I would be able to sleep in peace.

As I was talking to my best friend on the phone today, an image came into my mind that reminded me of my childhood fears of the dark. What I saw was me in a night gown sitting in a corner with my knees pulled tight into my body and there were scary spirits swirling. In that moment I just felt so scared.

Lately I have been feeling like that a lot. Like the enemy is swirling around my life and there is no one who is there to protect me. And as much as I want someone there to pray with me for the spiritual attack to cease, no one comes.

Thank the Lord the image in my mind changed to the spirits being dispersed by light. The light was comforting and melted my fears just like when I was small and the darkness went away, just like when I was small and my mom came in to check on me.

Lord God,

This world rages against me, and I feel like a princess locked in a tower in need of a savior to rescue me from the dragon. Lord Jesus, rescue me from this siege on my heart and from the one who hates me with an indescribable hate. Lord I ask that you make it so that the evil one has no power over my life; please speak truth in my life so that I can conquer the lies I have been hearing for years.

Lord I desire to have a heart that is beautiful and pleasing to you, that only desires to serve you. Help me to cling to the beauty that you have designed my to have and the repel the lies that Satan feeds me on a daily basis.

God you are so good, and you are faithful. Your love knows no end, and I believe that.

Forgiveness

risarose — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 20:39:23 +0000

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. ~ Matthew 6:14-15

I struggle with forgiveness. There are some things that I have held onto for years, and as much as I have tried to forgive those people, the issues keep coming up over and over again.

It’s almost an innate response when I see these people show up on Facebook to have this distaste in my mouth and a passionate anger swell in my heart. And as much as I try to pray that the Lord takes these feelings away, they persist.

What can I do? How can I not let these things corrupt my heart? I don’t want to be a harboring, bitter, ugly person, but I have no idea about how to resolve these things…

Lord, please grant me a love for these people that have wronged me that transcends my anger so that I can finally be free of this sin that clings to my heart.

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. ~ Ephesians 4:25-27